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| ive been on a mental break now for about a year and a half. sadly, the mind cannot be on break that long. i trick myself into thinking that it is not taking anything in nor is it feeling anything. wrong. it is taking it in in full force and it gets overloaded. and there is usually something that sets it off. and it just blows. like wide open. and if you are in the path, watch out.
i usually just feel like i am in some bubble and i can see people passing and interacting and im on the outside. invisible. sometimes it is slow-mo. they are passing me by and im just there, watching it all happen. like a relational coma. i haven not been in close fellowship for over a year. and it hurts. the wear and tear on my heart is so intense. im lucky, i guess, to be so consumed with grad school that i feel like, snaperoo, i could not talk or commit to one more thing. but now, as the weather outside is freezing the ground, my heart is melting and warming up. im beginning to come out of the coma. slowly. and sporadically. i dont know when i will fully thaw. fingers crossed i will eventually.
and then god works. and my heart melts more. my heart turns to him. my need for him becomes obvious once again. talk about answering prayers. i try to figure out why that happened or why i missed that or why i got that piece of info. why did it bother me the way it did, so intensely? its not the situation, but what it reveals about my heart and more so what it reveals about my view of god and my disappointment. and thats hard to deal with, to process through, and seek healing.
my excuse has been that i cant deal with it because i have no one to talk to. ive clearly missed a huge person in my life who would love to talk to me. i think about the people in the past who have shaped me into the person i am today, and i miss them dearly. dearly. yet, i see evidence of their footprints in how i handle situations like this. i long for a deep friendship full of trust and truth. i have miss that for the past 4 years.
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| ok, so i never post anymore...i havent needed my writing as therapy for awhile...but lets be honest, its because i havent been processing the issues in my life any more....its summer for crying out loud....let me just process the weather forcast and decided if it will be a pool day or a movie day. that is enough for me right now....ive had to process lots this last year and my mind wants nothing more of it...nada.
but now im reading a good book about a woman who cooks and blogs about it, and i wondered to myself, 'self, maybe you should blog about your quilting.' and i said to myself, 'self, i like it.'
so here i am the eve of my aunts surgery...something i have ignored until tonight...kinda easy when she lives so far away and my uncle keeps talk of the surgery strictly business. regardless, it has been today that i have really gotten this sewing thing under way. i got the room all set up today and laid out my squares. ps. this takes a lot of work
i thought it'd be just sewing the pieces to gether, but no, you have to think about the way they will go, etc. snap.
my goal is to have the top quilt sewed by july 28th. possible, i bet. my mom wants me to practice. practice? i choked out. no. who needs practice. yet i think i wil bc as you know, moms are usually right when it comes to something like this. rats. i want to be a mom some day so i can be right all the time.
when will that day come? (lets not get started on that topic, k?)
anyway.
day 1: organized the room and piled the fabric in the 23 rows needed. think i might have mixed up one fabirc and put it in the lights instead of the mediums, so the last 2 rows might be all helter skelter, but i really want to quilt my way...add my own spin on things.
oh, i forgot to mention the issue of ironing. sick. i should have stored this fabric better. i wonder how junky it will look if it is a bit wrinkled? there is no stinkin way i am going to reiron these 2x3 squares. i figure ill iron as i go and judge on a base by base case.
will start sewing tomorrow. hopefully.
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| i feel abandoned
cannot submit to my authority.
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| ive had the reoccurring dream where im driving my car and i try to hit the breaks, but it doesnt stop, for 5 days straight.....is my subconscious trying to tell me something?
i woke up today with a cold sore....coincidence?
i think not....summer come here, fast!
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| "and then it bounced off the mirror."
i overhear many many many conversations in a single day. maybe after this time ill learn to never inquire about my students' private conversations.
my curiosity got the best of me and i asked and this one involved vomit on an airplane. in the bathroom. i was given a stern warning to never eat turkey clubs at the airport.
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